kaztiel

And we're back to wondering what the point is to anything I'm doing is. I keep trying to be some form of creative and the world continues to tell me it's not interested. No o e is interested in anything I do. It's all just wasted time and money. Taking my money and straight up burning would be a better use of my time.

I can't make a living off my art. I can't get hired to do even a menial job... I have no savings. No retirement plan. No prospects. I may as well just give up, lie down, and die.

Something has to be seriously broken about me that everything I try fails. I'm so tired of failing. I'm so tired of trying and nothing changes.

Nothing I create has any value and I'm tried of trying. I just want to throw it all away. What's the point in making anything no one wants. I was stupid to ever think my stuff was ever good enough. Because everything always told me it wasn't.

Some days I remember why I never bother to share my art, my writing, or anything else I'm interested in. Nobody cares.

Nothing illustrates that more to me than when I got to tell my family something I found interesting and all I get a response is dismissive.

Even when I try to be helpful and useful all I do is fuck it all up. I really don't know why I'm here.

I don't know why I'm bothering. I'm spending all this time trying to update my portfolio site. And it's just a waste. It's not going to get me a job. I'll never really land that "creative" position I think will give me job satisfaction.

I just keep thinking that I had my shot... I had the only decent paying job I'll ever have. I was 38 when I got what most people would get in their early 20s. And I quit it. I quit without a backup job, without a plan. I should have just sucked it up. Been miserable, but at least I'd be making an almost livable wage.

I've applied for two part-time positions that don't require any real skill set. Just grunt work type positions. But I was formally rejected from one and the other I just... never heard back from. So now I have the crushing realization that I'm probably not even gonna get a temporary part time job while I look for something... more significant.

I just feel so... worthless. That I'm a failure at everything I try. That I can't tough it out. A waste of potential. It was one reason it took me so long to quit the toxic company I was in. Because I knew there wasn't anything else out that I could get, even if I was qualified.

So... I don't know. It feels like the universe said "you had one shot and you blew it kid." I'm just... a drain on everyone I knew because I can't handle anything. I knew today was going to suck...

I always seem to hold those in my life with more importance than is reciprocated. I wish I could care on equal exchange.then I wouldn't feel like an afterthought or only wanted when convient.

Saw I had a missed call from a friend. Knew immediately they hadn't meant to call. They never call. They never text. But I checked anyway. And my initial thought was correct. I knew I should have just ignored it and pretended I never even saw the missed call.

At least when I post stuff here, it's with the full knowledge that no one will see it.

I wonder how many people that know of me would be truly shocked to learn that most days I wonder what life would be like after I committed suicide? I wonder how many would be truly shocked to know I contemplate suicide at least once a week? Maybe most of them... people are always surprised when they learn I have a tattoo. Maybe that should be my first indication people don't know me at all...

If there's one thing this job has shown me is that I am right to distrust people. That no one really likes me for me. That being myself is only a disservice to any potential advancement in a career opportunity. I am too... other. I have to hide who I truly am all the time. Pretend to be someone I'm not.

Makes me want to give up.